


Just Tell

by roebling



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-04
Updated: 2013-07-04
Packaged: 2017-12-17 15:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/869011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roebling/pseuds/roebling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Himchan has been upset for a while now. It's Yongguk's responsibility as leader to figure out why and to make things better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Tell

**Author's Note:**

> Enormous thanks to [almostblue](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalaspect/pseuds/almostblue) whose encouragement rescued this fic from the WIP graveyard!!

Junhong is sobbing.

Yongguk is a stoic man, restrained and mature in the face of gratuitous displays of emotion, but the sight of the maknae sobbing undoes him, like there's a stitch sewn through his heart and it's been torn out.

"Ah," he says. "Well."

Himchan side-eyes him.

"What's wrong? Can you tell me what's wrong?" Yongguk asks. "Should I call Manager Kang?"

Junhong sobs louder. His whole face is red from it.

Himchan rolls his eyes. "You have no idea, do you?" he says. He goes to Junhong and sits down on the floor beside him and pulls Junhong down so that his head is cradled in Himchan's lap. Gently, he strokes Junhong's temple, fingers running through the fine blonde hair. "It's okay," he says. "It will be okay. I promise it will be okay, Junhong-ah."

Junhong keeps crying, but the sobs are a little less desperate now.

Something is wrong. Yongguk doesn't know what, but something is wrong, and when things are wrong the right thing to do is to try to fix them. Barring that, the right thing to do is to tell Manager Kang.

"I can just call Manager Kang now," he says.

Himchan's eyes narrow. "Do you really think that's what he needs?"

Yongguk has no idea what Junhong needs. He doesn't know what's wrong, so he doesn't know how to set it right. He shakes his head.

"Just go, Bbang," Himchan says.

The few months the separate them in age usually serve to set Yongguk firmly in the role of leader, but today, he is the one being led.

"Okay," he says. "Can I ….?"

"No," Himchan says quietly. "Just … no."

Junhong's sobs have quieted, but his shoulders shake. Himchan's hand curls protectively around the back of his neck.

Okay then. Yongguk doesn't know how to help here. He'll go.

*****

They're the oldest. In a team of six, it's natural that people will pair up. They're all friends, but the most natural pairs are those based on age - Junhong and Jongup, Youngjae and Daehyun, and Yongguk and Himchan.

It's only natural that Yongguk would be closest with Himchan. They're the oldest, and …

Sometimes it seems like that's the limit of what they have in common. They are the oldest, but sometimes Yongguk feels like he doesn't understand anything about his same-aged friend.

Himchan is …

He's good looking. Yongguk thought that from the start, from way back when when he'd signed to TS with only the vaguest promise of future success as a lure. Himchan had joined early, with nothing particular to recommend him except some skill as an instrumentalist and his face. It is a very nice face, though. He's good looking, but his looks aren't a mask for a lack of talent; Himchan understands what they're supposed to do in some ways better than Yongguk does. If it were up to him they'd put out their albums and that would be it. He gets the necessity of variety shows and music show performances and radio spots and sponsorships. He gets all that, and he knows they're lucky to have what they do - they're rookies, but they never have to worry they won't get a spot on that week's music shows. They are known and they are liked. He's willing to work hard for it. But Himchan understands how to play the game of show business fundamentally, in a way that Yongguk does not. He practices his aegyo in the bathroom mirror and hoards funny stories to tell. He speaks well and expressively. Making music is half the business of being an idol. The other half, Yongguk leaves up to Himchan.

Depending on him that much, though … it makes Yongguk nervous. Not because he worries that Himchan is going to disappoint him. Himchan is steadier than he once was, even though he does things that Yongguk can’t understand sometimes. He’s nervous because he realizes how much he needs Himchan - how much he’s come to rely on him.

That’s a big thing, trusting someone that much. It’s a big, weird thing, and Yongguk doesn’t know how he feels about it yet.

*****

They sit on opposite ends of the couch at night after the kids have gone to bed - the maknaes first, and then Youngjae and Daehyun, both yawning and denying their exhaustion.

It's natural for them to deny exhaustion. They're tired all the time now.

But Himchan is a night owl and Yongguk has never needed much sleep so they stay up, sitting on opposite ends of the couch while the television flickers blue and white.

"Bbang," Himchan says, over the laugh track of the variety show they're watching, "Do you think you made the right choice?"

Yongguk blinks. "Um," he says. "About what?"

Himchan shrugs. His eyes look big and sharp in the television light. Mostly Yongguk forgets that he's very handsome, but sometimes it comes out. It's always at times like this, when Himchan is not looking his best and when Yongguk shouldn't be paying attention at all. Like now, when his face is bare and his hair is tied up in a little knot over his head and he's wearing some free tee shirt they got from an event. “You know. To debut as an idol."

Oh. Yongguk can answer that question. He's thought through the answer a dozen dozen dozen times in his head. "I do," he says. If pressed, he can elaborate: he believes he has an obligation to try to make the world a better place, he believes he can do that by spreading a message of self actualization in his music, the best way to share his music is to take advantage of established channels of media promotion, etc.

He convinced himself. After that, he's sure he can sell the idea to anyone else.

"Oh," Himchan says. "Because sometimes I think you're not happy with us. With me, I mean." Himchan looks down.

"With you?" Yongguk doesn't understand. He feels lucky every day that he got to debut with five guys who he respects and likes. There is no one in the group that doesn't belong. They are a team, and they fit together.

"Well," Himchan says, sighing, "I'm a bit useless, you know."

"Himchan," Yongguk says, alarmed but keeping his tone steady, "you know that's not true."

Himchan sighs again. "I wish I knew."

Yongguk pats him on the knee.

"There would be no B.A.P without you," Yongguk says, utterly confident that it's true.

"Really?" Himchan says, eyes bright. "That's a sweet thing to say, Bbang." He shakes his head to swish his hair out of his eyes. "Sometimes I think you …"

He falls silent, shaking his head.

"What?" Yongguk doesn't understand. "What?"

"Oh, nevermind," Himchan says. "Nothing. It doesn't matter anyway."

*****

"Come on," Yongguk says. "One more time. Let's go."

Daehyun and Youngjae are lying on the floor, Daehyun's feet near Youngjae's head, Youngjae's feet near Daehyun's head. They groan, in unison.

"Hyung, we've been at this for hours. Even the dancer hyungs have gone home," Daehyun says, wheedling. "Let's just be finished."

The dancer hyungs will leave them in the studio to keep practicing because Manager Kang is there, but mostly because they know that Yongguk will keep everyone focused and keep their attention on the task at hand.

"Yeah, Yongguk hyung," Youngjae says. "Let's go home now so we can actually get some sleep. We're coming back in the morning anyway."

Junhong is curled up in the corner. His eyes are barely open. He yawns, and smothers it with his hand.

It's not that Yongguk isn't tired. He's tired too. It's just - they have to do well and to do well they have to work hard. And it's not that they haven't been working hard - but he believes they will be rewarded in proportion with the effort they put out.

"Jongup?"

Jongup, who had been making faces at himself in the mirror, startles. "What, hyung?"

"Ah, never mind, Jongup," Yongguk says. "Himchan?"

Himchan is sitting with his back to the wall. Sweat plasters his hair to his forehead and his shirt to his chest. He opens one eye. "What do you think, Bbang?"

Yongguk _thinks_ Himchan should be the one to have his back, to support him and to remind the kids that if they can just hold out a little bit longer, their efforts will bear fruit on stage.

"Let's go home," Himchan says. "The kids are exhausted. I'm exhausted. You're exhausted. Let's just go home."

It's not anger that bubbles up in Yongguk's belly, and it's not the pinch of betrayal, and it’s not ... He doesn't know what it is. But they're all in agreement and even though he knows they could run through the choreography another one or two times tonight, being a good leader means listening to the people you lead.

They want to go home. Fine. Then they'll go.

"Okay," he says. "Let's go. I'll go wake up Manager Kang."

******

On a radio show, they ask him - yet again - to show aegyo. Yongguk doesn't mind it especially, but he doesn't get it either. He keeps himself from rolling his eyes and he grins wide and goes 'bbuing-bbuing'.

It's not good. He doesn't know makes a person good at aegyo good but whatever it is he's lacking it. The hosts cringe. The kids erupt into embarrassed laughter. Himchan claps, delighted.

"I think he's getting worse," he says. "I think our Bang Yongguk is getting even worse. Do I need to start giving you lessons?"

Yongguk laughs too, not quite understanding the point of all of this. "Um."

"I'll teach him," Himchan tells the hosts confidentially. "I'll try to teach him before we come back, sunbaenim."

He says this like it's a particular burden to him, teaching Yongguk aegyo - the hardest thing he's ever done (and Yongguk knows what Himchan went through to learn to dance; it would have to be quite a task to top that). It's stupid though. He doesn't have to teach Yongguk because Yongguk doesn't need to know. All this filler stuff - the stuff he doesn't understand - that’s what Himchan’s here for. Yongguk doesn’t have to be able to do aegyo. He has other talents and skills, and his inability at this one thing isn’t that important.

They keep asking him though, and laughing at his failure.

*****

They cross paths in the hallway. Himchan is out of the shower - wet hair and a red flush in the middle of his pale chest. He looks younger like this and older at the same time. His eyes flash up, dark

"I'll actually give you lessons, you know," he says. "If you want me to."

"What?" Yongguk says.

"In aegyo," Himchan says quickly. "Come on, what else am I going to give you lessons in?"

"Uh," Yongguk says. He thinks of a number of things: violin, flute, clarinet, guitar, jjangu, how to get Junhong to stop crying, how to make Jongup smile, how …

"You can surprise them all with the sheer force of your cuteness next time," Himchan says, holding his dirty clothes to his chest like some kind of shield.

Yongguk blinks. It has been a long day full of schedules, and his head is spinning. "No," he says. "It doesn’t really matters."

Himchan's face is blank for a moment, and then his mouth goes slack and he looks down. "You're right … of course you're right, Bbang. Sorry." He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter."

"They want me to be bad at it," Yongguk says, slowly. "That’s why it’s funny. Right?"

"Hm?" Himchan's eyes are blank and distant. "Right …" He shrugs, tentative. "I'm going to bed now. Need my beauty sleep and all that."

Himchan disappears into the bedroom, shutting the door so quietly so as not to wake the kids. Yongguk goes and starts the shower. The bathroom is filthy. He should be better about making sure all the chores get done, but that's something he never seems to remember. Dirty or clean, the dorm is just the place they go back to at night to sleep. There's so much they have to do and so much that needs to get done right. Yongguk is just trying to make sure what needs to happen happens. Dirty dorms, bad aegyo - that's all extraneous to the one thing he knows in his heart matters most: the music.

He tells himself that, anyway.

*****

In the morning, things seem better. They always do after sleeping. Yongguk is up first. He makes coffee and sits at the table reading the news on his iPad. He doesn't think being an idol gives him an excuse not to know what's going on in the world. He thinks it's more important now than it ever was. Nobody is going to ask him his opinion on the worsening humanitarian situation in Syria. He hopes maybe one day that will be different, and for now he'll just keep trying to learn and understand.

The kids come out, one by one. Youngjae is sleepy-eyed and calm. Junhong yawns as he pours himself orange juice. Jongup plays with his phone. Daehyun eats two bowls of rice. That's all normal. That's how it should be. Himchan is last up - but then that's normal too.

He comes out of the bathroom all ready to go, big smile and styled hair. He drops down into the chair next to Jongup. "Ah, our little Jonguppie, did you eat breakfast?"

Jongup squirms. "Hyung, I didn't … but …"

"You've got to eat breakfast," Himchan says. "You're going to wither away if you don't eat good Korean food, Jongup."

Jongup signs. Yongguk doesn't think he's in any immediate danger of wasting away, but Himchan is right - it is important to eat a healthy breakfast.

“He’s right,” Yongguk says. It’s early, and his voice is still rough.

Jongup isn’t paying attention any more, though. Himchan’s hands are on his shoulder, and he’s guiding Jongup over to the rice maker. Himchan puts a bowl in his hand and a scoop of rice in the bowl and says something low that Yongguk can’t hear. It makes Jongup smile and take another scoop of rice, whatever it is.

When they’re all finished eating and the kids are in the bedroom scrambling to find iPads and chargers and whatever else they’ll need for the day, Himchan and Yongguk clear the table. Himchan dumps all the dishes he clears in the sink. Yongguk stacks the rest up neatly, scraping the leftovers into the trash. “Thanks,” he says, as comes up to the sink. Himchan turns the tap on. “For helping with Jongup, I mean.”

Himchan scrubs the bowl in his hand. He does not look up, but he says in a tight, sharp, clipped voice, “It doesn’t really matter, though, right?”

There is something terrible in the way that he says that.

“It matters,” Yongguk says quietly.  
 Himchan scrubs furiously at a bit of crusted on rise, and doesn't say another word.

Something is wrong, and it’s not something Yongguk can ask Manager Kang to fix.

*****

Himchan is silent and out of sorts all day. It just makes Yongguk feel bad. He’s supposed to know how to keep everyone happy, but Himchan is upset and it’s all his fault. He doesn’t know what he can do to make things better.

Practice does not go well. Junhong is in a silly mood. Daehyun keeps messing up. Some days, they move together like they’re six pieces of one whole. Today, nothing fits together.

“Okay, kids,” the choreographer hyung says. “Let’s take five.”

He’s frustrated too. He takes off his baseball cap and wipes his forehead. His phone rings, and he steps into the hall. Youngjae and Daehyun are off to the side, heads bent towards each other. Junhong is playing with his shoelace. Jongup is going through a particularly sticky part of the routine, watching himself in the mirror.

Himchan is sitting on a stack of mats, head down. The back of his neck is bare.

Yongguk feels like someone punched him in the gut. The only reason he is the leader - the only reason they have a leader - is solve problems like this.

“I’ll be back,” he says. Nobody notices. At least, if they do, they don’t acknowledge it.

In the hall, the choreographer hyung is on the phone. He quirks an eyebrow - it’s not normal for any of them to leave during practice. Yongguk waves him off. He’s not going far. He’s grateful there are no fans in front of the building. It’s school hours. He hopes very much they’re all learning, if that’s what they should be doing. Yongguk loves their fans dearly, but he doesn’t want a single one of them to lose out on even a moment of their education for B.A.P’s sake.

The uncle who owns the convenience store across the street from the T.S. building knows Yongguk by sight, if not by name. He nods gruffly when Yongguk comes in. Yongguk grins at the greeting. He likes normal things like this.

There are all sorts of snack foods. He wishes he paid better attention to what Himchan likes. Himchan has strong feelings about food, and if Yongguk gets the wrong brand of chips it will probably be seen as an intended affront.

Maybe he ought to start a list of each member’s favorite snack food, favorite color, secret favorite giddy girl group song … He can keep the list folded in the back of his notebook and consult it at need. It will help him keep them honest in inane interviews. It will help him when he needs to curry favor and mend holes in the fabric of the group. The shiny packages are bright. It’s a bit odd to think that he knows - well, he’s met - some of the smiling people on these bags of chips. That’s not much use in distinguishing them. He doesn’t know one from another, and he doesn’t have much time. He grabs one of everything.

When he gets back to the rehearsal studio, Yongguk opens the door quietly. Jongup and Junhong are helping Youngjae and Daehyun with the choreography for the chorus. The choreographer hyung is still on the phone. Himchan is still by himself, shoulders hunched, looking very, very alone.

“I got you something,” Yongguk says, quietly.

Himchan looks up. His hair is damp, and his mouth is spread in a wide, unhappy line.

Yongguk holds out the bag of snack food.

“I didn’t know what you liked, so I just got …”

Himchan’s eyes narrow.

“I’m on a diet,” he says.

“Oh.” Of course. Yongguk knows that.

Himchan sighs and takes the bag. “Thanks anyway,” he says. He rummages. The plastic rustles loudly.

“Kids, look what Leader Bbang bought us.” 

Everyone comes over to stand around Himchan. Jongup grabs for the crab-flavored chips. Youngjae holds out a pepero and Junhong takes a bite. Daehyun hoards two boxes of sweets. They’re laughing and talking - Himchan too - but this wasn’t it. This wasn’t the right thing, either, Yongguk thinks. He loves all the guys and it makes him so glad to see them happy but this isn’t about B.A.P. This is about Himchan, and this is about him, and this weird space that's opened between them that he can't seem to find a way to bridge.

*****

"And what are you in charge of in B.A.P?"

Himchan flutters his eyelashes. "I'm the visual, of course."

Yongguk remembers sitting in a meeting with the manager hyungs from the company, coming up with all of this stuff. He'd been a little incredulous then. He's no less incredulous now that he's heard the questions five dozen times.

"I was supposed to be the visual, anyway," Himchan continues, and this is not part of the script. Yongguk looks up. The fans outside the plate-glass studio windows can't hear anything, but they scream anyway. He catches Himchan's eye for a second. Himchan wrinkles his nose. "I was supposed to be the visual, but the fans decided it was Daehyun."

Daehyun protests, of course, and the host plays her part too.

"But I heard you were scouted right off the street for a very big company?" Her eyes are wide and her tone conveys interest. She is very good at what she does.

Himchan shrugs, like it's nothing. "That's true. When I was in high school a scout from - well, you would know the name if I told you - saw me on the street and asked me to come audition."

"Oh wow," the host says. "Even then you must have been very good looking." Himchan grins and ducks his head, modest.

Yongguk knows the truth, or a little bit of it. Himchan's chubby-faced middle school pictures are no secret, but he's also seen the way he draws into himself when a fan says something unkind about his looks.

The host moves on to someone else - it's not Yongguk's turn yet. He watches Himchan for a moment longer. Himchan's eyes are unfocused as he looks at some point in space a few feet in front of him. Something about the blankness of his expression worries Yongguk, although he can't say why. But it only lasts a moment. Himchan looks up and meets Yongguk's eyes and then the mask snaps back into place: the animated sneer, the feigned arrogance, everything that Himchan has gotten so good at pretending.

Even later, in the back of the van on the ride home, Yongguk says, "If it makes you upset I can tell them to stop asking about it."

Himchan, who is looking at his phone, looks up. "Hmm. What, Bbang?"

Yongguk clears his throat. "If the questions … about your looks … make you upset, I can tell them to stop asking them."

The same blank expression flickers on Himchan's face for a moment, before it's replaced by a distant smile.

"I'm not Junhong, you know," he says. "You don't need to look out for me."

"I know that, but …"

"I'm fine," Himchan says, in a tight voice. "If I weren't fine, you would know. I'm not you, Bbang. When I'm upset, I can decide what to do about it. I don't just pretend it doesn't happen."

Himchan turns away and swipes furiously at the touch screen of his phone.

Yongguk folds his hands in his lap, fingers interlaced. He knows he's a good leader. He knows the others feel like they can come to him when they need to talk about things. He knows that mostly, for the most part, things are okay. He knows all that and still the fact that Kim Himchan is a puzzle he can't solve makes his stomach turn and his head hurt. It makes him angry and frustrated in a way none of the others do, exactly in proportion to the pleasure that being he gets from being with Himchan most of the time. None of the others can wind him up and make him feel so incompetent the way Himchan can. Yongguk doesn't understand what’s different, exactly, but he thinks it's his duty as a leader to figure it out.

*****

He starts with Jongup. Himchan and Jongup are close, even though they make an odd pair. Jongup doesn't mind that Himchan bosses him. Himchan never forgets to make sure that Jongup is included, even when he's being especially quiet and unsure of himself. Yongguk is glad that they can rely on each other in that way.

Because he knows they won't be interrupted, he asks Jongup in the evening, when they're coming back from the gym.

"Jongup-ah, can I ask you a question?"

Jongup looks at him and smiles. "Of course, hyung."

"Do you think Himchan is unhappy?"

Jongup stares open-mouthed, thinking. Then he says, "I don't think he's unhappy all the time, hyung. I don't think he's happy all the time either."

Yongguk frowns. "Right. But do you think he's unhappy about being the group?"

"No, of course not," Jongup says, without a moment's hesitation. "Himchan hyung loves being part of B.A.P. He says that all the time. He says he's really lucky that he got into TS and met you."

Oh. Yongguk swallows.

"I feel lucky too, hyung," Jongup says, smiling. "You're a really good leader."

"Thank you, Jongup," Yongguk says, trying to ignore the twisting feeling in his stomach.

*****

Yongguk wonders if the guys know that the company gave him veto power - or nearly that - over any of them. Well, he knows that Youngjae knows, because Youngjae came to him in the frantic days before they debuted and thanked him.

When Yongguk had asked why, Youngjae had said calmly, "For keeping me in the group. I know that Daehyun's voice is more suited for the music we're making. So thank you for keeping me."

"I didn't …"

Youngjae just smiled. He's smart, and he's reasonable in a way that reminds Yongguk a little bit of himself. "It's fine, hyung. I know the company must have asked you … so, thank you. And don't worry. I won't tell anyone else."

As far as Yongguk knows, he hasn't. But it's true: the company built the group around him - for him - and they had asked him from very early on for his opinions on the other trainees. He'd given them as fairly and objectively as he knew how. He loves each of the guys, but then - there were other friends in the trainee days, and those goodbyes had been painful.

He thinks … no, he knows that he made the right decisions, but he thinks about how things might have worked out sometimes. In bed late at night when he should be getting what little sleep is allocated to him, he thinks about what the group would be like if X had happened instead of Y: if Youngjae had stayed in JYP, if Daehyun hadn't come up from Busan, if the company had decided that in the end Junhong really was too young to debut. If he'd told the company that he didn't think Kim Himchan had anything to contribute.

He'd thought of saying that, in the beginning, when he'd been frustrated by Himchan's stupid good looks and even stupider habit of making everything into a joke. He'd been close to saying it, really close several different times, but then Himchan would say something shockingly insightful about music or manage to soothe the tempers of all the younger trainees with a simple joke or reveal he could play yet another instrument and Yongguk would decide to give him a little more time. He never did say it, in the end.

If he had, he thinks it would have been the biggest mistake of his life.

When he thinks about the other guys not being part of the group, he feels a terrible sadness, but he can imagine how other pieces might have fit into those slots. Other singers, other dancers … not as good as what they have now, but not bad either, necessarily. Just different. And he knows that if his kids weren't his kids - if instead they were in some other group or if they were in college or serving in the military - they would do great things anyway, because they are all amazing. They inspire him everyday.

But when he thinks about B.A.P without Himchan … then, he draws a blank. There can't possibly be anyone else in the entire world who is so intentionally frustrating and so good at making everyone laugh and so bad at memorizing his lines in spite of being the only one of them who could read music, back when they all started. There's nobody else with Himchan's weird laugh and nobody with his horse-like teeth and nobody who manages to make bullying seem quite so affectionate. There's nobody, Yongguk thinks, quite like Kim Himchan, and when he thinks about standing on stage, he can't think about it without Himchan at his side.

He just need Himchan to realize that, too.

*****

“Ah, what are you doing tonight?”

Himchan gives him a long, cool look, upper lip curled. “What do you think I’m doing?”

Yongguk nods. It’s true that their routine doesn’t vary much. Today is a day off, so instead of going to the rehearsal studio, they’ll stay at the dorm and eat dinner together.

“I was thinking maybe we could do something.”

Himchan squints. “Do what? What are you talking about?”

This all worked out a lot better in his head.

“I mean,” he says. “Without the kids. Just. _We_ could do something.”

Himchan stares at him for a long moment. “Are you asking me on a date?”

“Um.” It has been a very long time since Yongguk has gone on a date. Even before he signed with TS, it was not something he did frequently. Is that what he’s doing right now? “You’ve been so unhappy lately. I thought we could ...”

Himchan nods to himself. “Right.” He stands up. “I don’t think so, Bbang. I’m fine. You don’t need to try to make me better.”

*****

That evening Himchan is everywhere. That’s another one of his peculiar talents - for someone who is kind of skinny and not all that tall - he takes up far more than his fair share of space. He’s sitting on the couch with his arm thrown casually over Jongup’s shoulder and he’s inserting himself into Daehyun and Youngjae’s argument about the best way to beat the next level of Angry Birds and he’s making Junhong hot chocolate and he’s telling stupid jokes and making everyone smile and drawing all the light and attention in the entire room to him.

Yongguk feels like he can’t breathe. This is not a feeling he’s used to, but tonight the dorm is way too small. He doesn’t run away. He just needs to get some air. He goes to the roof.

It’s a warm night, and the cityscape is hazy. The view here isn’t too good. Yongguk doesn’t come up here much - not as much as Youngjae and Daehyun do - but tonight it feels nice to stare at all the lights and remind himself that his problems are ultimately very small, very minor things that doesn’t matter much at all. 

The door to the stairwell creaks as it opens. Yongguk frowns. He didn’t expect any of them to follow, and he’s not ...

It’s Himchan.

“They had a vote and Junhong lost. They know he’s your weakness, Bbang.” His smile is wry. “I figured I’d spare him. They kids are all confused because you’re upset. It’s like up is down, left is right, north is south.”

Yongguk knits his brow. “I’m not upset.” He’s not. He’s sure he would know if he were upset.

“You’re _sulking_ ,” Himchan says, sounding delighted. All his anger from earlier is gone, or hidden at least. With Himchan it's hard to tell.

"I'm not sulking," Yongguk says. He's sure he's not. "I'm just …"

"You're mad," Himchan says, smiling. He looks delighted, actually. Happier than Yongguk has seen him in days. "You're mad because I turned you down and because I was playing with the dongsaengs. You're _jealous_ , Bbang."

Yongguk frowns. "Jealous? Himchannie, I'm not jealous. You've been upset lately and we've been so busy … I thought it would be good if we could go out so we could talk about …"

Himchan shakes his head. "Nope," he says. "Wrong answer." He steps closer. "This isn't about me, Bbang. It's about you."

Yongguk shoves his hands in his pockets. "About me?" He grins, trying to lighten the tension, but then he only learned that move from Himchan and he's never perfected it. "What about me?"

Himchan shrugs. "You don't want me to teach you aegyo? Fine. I know it's silly, but we're _idols_. It's part of what we are, Bbang, as much as you don't like it. It's part of what you signed up for, and you know what? The fans like it. That's why it matters."

"No," Yongguk says. "I know. I mean … I know we have to do those things for the fans. But you're really good at them. I didn't mean … It's just that since you're already so good at it I didn't … I didn't not want you to teach me but …" Yongguk's never been as eloquent off stage as he is on, but his words feel like rubber right now, bending and spilling out of his mouth in sticky uncontrollable ways.

Himchan nods. There's a light over the doorway and it highlights his cheekbones, casts shadows in the hollows underneath. Himchan's hair is unstyled and falls in front of his eyes. He's not smiling, but he's watching very, very closely.

"Okay," he says, nodding slowly. "Then what do you want?"

Yongguk blinks. What does he want? "I want to make a difference to people …"

"No!" Himchan frowns. "No, no. Not that bullshit variety show answer, Bbang. Not even the nonsense you tell yourself. What do you want from _me_?"

From Himchan? Yongguk doesn't want anything from Himchan. He only wishes he had a way to let Himchan know how much he values everything he already does. "You already do enough, Himchannie," he says quietly. "You don't need to …"

Himchan rolls his eyes. "Wow," he says. "You really have them all fooled, don't you? Mr. Leader who understands everything _so_ well doesn't even have a clue what he's feeling." He laughs. "This -" He motions to Yongguk and then to himself. "- isn't about the group, Bbang. It's not about B.A.P and it's not about your dream of saving the world through rap music. It's about us."

Yongguk doesn't understand. "About … "

"Us. Bang Yongguk. Kim Himchan. Maybe it was about the group at first, but not any more."

Yongguk is lost. "Ah," he says. "I see." He opens his mouth and then closes it.

Himchan breathes in through his nose and then exhales noisily. "Just - listen, if you figure it out, let me know, okay? If you figure out what you want from me, I mean. Otherwise, don't worry, Bbang. I'm a lot tougher than I look."

He smiles then, a bittersweet smile that doesn't reach his eyes, and lingers a moment, like he's waiting for something.

Yongguk doesn't know what to say.

"Of course," he says quietly. "Just let me know, okay? I'll be here, waiting." 

Yongguk nods. "I will," he says, but Himchan is already opening the door and heading back downstairs.

*****

Sleep helps, but not all that much. Himchan is fine at breakfast. Yongguk keeps waiting for him to say something short and angry, to act hurt in some way, but he's fine: regular old Kim Himchan. It makes something burn hot and hard in Yongguk's chest, because whatever happened between them last night, Yongguk isn't okay with it at all.

They practice all day. It's amazing how many times they'll do the routine for this next single, and it's amazing how certain he is that after the comeback stage the choreographer hyung will still find things to criticize. Yongguk bears all that silently, for, the dongsaeng's sake, but it bothers him too. It's not like he dreamed of being a dancer.

Bone weary, they call it quits around five. Manager Kang tells the kids with a wide smile that they can go out to eat. Jongup wants burgers and Daehyun wants pizza and the discussion devolves into a happy argument. Himchan says something that Yongguk doesn't catch and everyone laughs. Junhong ducks his head, embarrassed, and Himchan pats him on the butt. Manager Kang shakes his head fondly.

"Hyung," Jongup says. "We decided. We're going to get Japanese."

While Yongguk was thinking, the rest of them gathered up their stuff.

"Jongup-ah, it's okay," Yongguk says. "I'm going to go to the studio for a while."

Daehyun frowns. "Ah, hyung, aren't you hungry? The studio will be there. Come eat with us."

They watch him, tired faces and bright eyes, and for the first time Yongguk is scared looking at these kids who have become his family. Scared because he's messed something up and he doesn't know what and doesn't know how to fix it. Himchan catches his eye and stares at him for a moment, challenging and opaque. Yongguk tries to smile, but even he knows it's not a very good one.

"It's fine," Himchan says then. "Come on kids. Let Leader Bbang do his work. Besides, you know he'd rather have ramen anyway."

He grins. The kids laugh. Yongguk tries to laugh too, but it doesn't really seem that funny.

*****

The studio is too quiet and the clock on the wall ticks too loudly and all of his songs are insipid and Yongguk isn't getting anything done. He tears a page out of his notebook and tosses it crumpled into the trashcan. It's nearly nine. He is tired and hungry and he wants to go home but he also doesn't want to see Himchan until he can figure out what to say.

He thought about apologizing - started writing up an apology in fact. He knows exactly how much Himchan does for the group, and if he wasn't clear enough in showing his appreciation for that then it's his fault as a leader. But that ended up crumpled in the trash too. Not about the group, Himchan had said. Just about them.

Someone knocks on the door. Yongguk looks up. It's Youngjae.

"Hi hyung," he says. "We brought you food." He lifts a bag full of take-out containers.

"Wow," Yongguk says. "Thank you, Youngjae. That was really nice."

Youngjae shrugs. He's grown up a lot since they debuted, but in many ways he's still a kid. Yongguk tries to remember. "It was Himchan hyung's idea, actually. He said you were going to get scurvy if the only thing you wait was ramen." He grins at that. "Junhong and Jongup really want to do a pirate concept now."

Yongguk grins too. "I think that's already been done," he says. Himchan's idea …

"It's all already been done, hyung," Youngjae says.

"Youngjae," Yongguk says, and then he stops himself because he tries not to lean on the dongsaengs like this, when they're so young and have such a hard time already. But the only person he can talk about about his problems is Himchan and he can't talk to Himchan when Himchan is the problem. "Do you think you'd be friends with Daehyun outside of the group?"

Youngjae wrinkles his nose, thinking, taking things in stride. "I wouldn't know him if it weren't for the group," he says, "but if we did meet somehow, then sure. I think we'd be friends. I like Daehyunnie, even if he is a loudmouth who eats too much."

Yongguk nods. "That's good," he says. He clears his throat. "Um, do you think he knows that? That you're friends? That it's not just because of the group?"

Youngjae narrows his eyes. "He better know that. I told that little twerp that if he was upset he better just come and talk to me. I told him it doesn't have to be about band stuff. I _told_ him. Did he say something to you, hyung?"

Just … told him?

"Ah," Yongguk says. "No. He didn't."

Youngjae frowns. "Oh," he says. "Well. Good. Um." He looks down at the ground and then back up. "I'm gonna go, hyung. Manager Kang is double parked downstairs."

Yongguk nods. Just told him. Just like that.

"Don't stay too late, hyung," Youngjae says, and he shuts the door behind him.

*****

The thing is, Yongguk never had many friends growing up. Maybe it was the twin thing. That's an easy excuse, but no, he knows it's not just that because there were plenty of long afternoons that Yongguk spent alone with stuffed Tigger as his only company. He's just not good at friends and Himchan is much more of a friend to him than anyone else he's ever known, so maybe it makes sense for it to be so much harder.

He just … Himchan is smart and funny and kind and too sensitive and sometimes grouchy and a little vain and Yongguk doesn't really want him to _do_ anything. He values and admires what Himchan does for the group but he thinks maybe Himchan knows how much that matters. It's not easy. It can't be.

Not about the group. Right.

If any of those other trainees had made it, there would be a group for Yongguk to lead. He's not perfect, but he's finding his way and doing his best. If there were no Himchan though …

The building is nearly empty, and the food is getting cold. Yongguk's not even hungry. If Himchan were here, as he often is when Yongguk is composing, he'd eat half of it himself and cajole Yongguk into eating the other half.

Himchan's not here, and Yongguk feels stupider and more alone than he's felt in a really long time. He doesn't want Himchan to do anything. He just wants Himchan. That's all.

That's it.

*****

The television is still on when he gets home, but Himchan is drowsing, chin dipping towards his chest. All the kids have gone to bed. Yongguk shuts the door quietly, but not quietly enough.

"Ah," Himchan says, voice thick. "You came home. Didn't want to upset the kiddies?"

Yongguk shakes his head. He toes off his shoes and steps into the kitchen to put the food he never ate in the fridge. Himchan watches him the whole time.

"No," he says, and he sits down on the couch next to Himchan, stiff with his hands on his knees.

Himchan stretches, rolling his neck, and stares at Yongguk curiously.

"Ah," Yongguk says. "Himchannie. Do you … Would you like to go to the movies with me?"

Himchan starts to smile and then keeps it in check, but he can't keep the delight out of his eyes. "Are you asking me on a date, Bbang?"

"I would like to," Yongguk says, staring straight ahead at the television. "Yes. I want to go on a date with you."

Himchan smiles then, all front teeth and wrinkled nose. He's quiet for a moment and then he asks, "Bbang, do you _like_ me?"

Yongguk swallows. "I like you," he says. "Yes." His cheeks feel really hot.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Yongguk nods, and then closes his eyes. His cheeks are burning.

"Do you want to marry me? Do you want to have my babies?"

He opens his eyes. Himchan is practically vibrating: black eyes bright, smile curving up to his eyes. He waits.

Yongguk nods.

"Good," Himchan says, and then he leans forward and puts one arm on Yongguk's shoulder and another arm around his waist and somehow Yongguk finds himself leaning forward and _kissing_ Himchan.

Himchan's lips are a little chapped and he's nervous: Yongguk can feel it in the way he trembles as Yongguk runs a hand down his back. He's bold, though, catching Yongguk's lower lip with his teeth, rubbing the soft spot behind Yongguk's ear, leaning in and holding Yongguk's upper arm like he wants to make absolutely sure to close the space between them as tightly as he can.

Something in the kitchen rattles. They spring apart, but it's just a cup on the drying board, settling.

"I thought that was one of the kids," Yongguk says. His heart is pounding faster than he can ever remember, faster even than before their debut stage, when he waited for a curtain to raise on the rest of his life.

"They're not going to care," Himchan says. He runs a hand through his hair. "God, Bbang, I think they were expecting it. I think they were wondering what was wrong with us."

Yongguk nods. "I'm sorry, Himchannie."

"Don't be sorry," Himchan says. "Well, okay, you can be a little sorry."

He reaches over and takes Yongguk's hand, thumb rubbing softy against Yongguk's wrist. It's weird and startling, more intimate than the kissing, somehow. It's okay.

"I knew you'd figure it out," Himchan says. He closes his eyes. "You had to figure it out."

Yongguk wonders how many times he's said that to himself, wonders how long Himchan's been waiting for him. "I'm kind of slow," he says.

"I know," Himchan says. "Don't worry, Yongguk. I've waited this long. I'll keep waiting for you."


End file.
